Do I “do writing” for BLABLABLA! Do I do writing because it makes me feel good. Do I like the proprioceptive feeling of the tips of my fingers on the keyboard. Do I write to whinge about my problems? Too vent? To pretend someone else actually gives a damn. My hands tingle when think of it. I’m going to steal some time and go tap dancing on the keyboard. I’m going to feel the thrill of manipulating my fingers on the keyboard, I’m going to press that key down hard and now soft. My head hurts. Oh yeah, I do have feelings too and when they weigh into the equation I can feel angry.
I remember closing my eyes and just writing whatever came to mine, stream of concsiousness flow. I remember when I was just out of school, finished year 12 HSC and wondering what to do with my life. So many things I wanted to do.
1.Write a book.
2. Be an actoress on stage.
3. Have some sort of counselling business.
4. My positive visualizations in relaxation brought the image of two children burnt into my brain. I have done relaxation practices many times and visualized these two children. I have since given birth to two children. I have a social work degree (which I have never got a paid job as a “social worker” through doing the degree.
I remember that in high school English class, with of course, my teacher -“Mr English”. (No pun intended!) I was never an “A grade” writer. I tried very hard for an A but I never seemed to get one until one day in class I closed my eyes and I imagined that I was writing. Like I was running. Fast as I could. With short. Sharp. Sentences. Instead of long drawn out sentences that seemed to go on forever. Mr English was so pleased ablout possibly my different writing of a sharp nature. He gave me an “A”. I was gobsmacked.
Have two children that I walked alongside and holding their hands, we were living life together. That is what I thought I wanted.
Life is tough!
It’s frustrating, I’ve hit a wall. I am tired. My energy just pours out of my fingertips into the keyboard hard wired to this screen blog.
I am just tired – so tired!