Grief from Miscarriage, 2009

Happy. Second pregnancy, happy times. Building hopes and dreams of  baby.  Did I drink too much coffee at the time? I think I remember picking up a pot-plant. I started to bleed after that. Maybe the pot plant was too heavy. I’m so sorry that I picked up that Pot Plant as what happened was I started to bleed, I couldn’t stop it. I was getting ready for a local market. I was trying to look for a reason that this happened. Its’s ok to cry.

I rang the hospital and they said I was probably having a miscarriage. I remember a great pain  in my uterus, my cervix was opening to let the sac fall out. The body will discard what it does not need. It’s Darwin’s Law. I went to the toilet and my baby fell out or the sac of tissue that  was the start of something new. I was very distressed and this happenned at the same time that my much loved grandmother died, Oh dear!

I remember feeling worthless/like a piece of rubbish/ I was very hard on myself. I must be a bad mother. My loss engulfed me. Anger and negativity. The hormones of a lost pregnancy and  the rebalancing of my hormones. Very tired. Depression.

I vented my grief/anger at my husband who was going through his own grief about the situation.  Where to go to debrief about miscarriage. I did talk about it some people dearest to me that  did not believe me. Which hurt allot!

I wanted to scream at the world but it fell on deaf ears. I did have some people to talk to who listened. If this happens to you. Take care of yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself! Find an association of women where you can share experiences safely. The grief/emotions are hard to deal with. If you feel you are getting depressed, please talk to someone. Be with someone who supports you and know that you are not alone.

POSSIBILITIES OF WHAT TO DO:

  1. Call Lifeline
  2. Call SANDS 1300 0 72637
  3. Get information of miscarriage support services from your local hospital
  4. Research for local support groups at your Local council
  5. Research Bub Hub/Internet for local agencies
  6. Garden
  7. Do something loving for yourself

 

Birth of a miracle boy, 2007

 

My first son was born in the usual way. Shane and I captured the whole birth on video.  My son was born with both Shane and my mother in attendance with midwife at the hospital. An amazing moment in time where I was listening to a compilation of songs produced by Shane for the birth of his son. I sang this baby out of me, so happy to have this baby although the reality of childbirth at the time involved  screaming. I tried to stay calm and I tried really hard not to push, but my body took over in the end and pushed the baby out itself.

My young son did not like his fingernails trimmed right from the start. I remember his nails growing fast I wondered why and thought it was a newborn thing. I was worried baby would scratch himself so I asked my husband to cut his nails, which he did lovingly. I would not do it as I was worried the tremor in my hands would mean I would cut the nails too short. My baby was so uncomfortable and screamed so loud, it made me distressed and cry. I could not watch. Was this a sign of Autism that I mistook for normal babyhood reaction? I had no knowledge or way of knowing.

Also my baby had difficulty attaching to my breast for breast milk and had unstable weight gain/loss for a few weeks there. He eventually understood the sucking motion.

I was a hormonal new mum, everything that I had lived for was happenning, I was finally a mother, everything that I wanted to be in my life. My baby that I had dreamed of was finally lying in my arms. Produced through the sexual union and love of his father and myself. I was totally amazed.

I remember he had a weepy eye, we thought it may be infected but it was not. The weepy eye did not clear up with anti biotics or other. It was found that my son had a blocked tear duct that needed to have a minor operation to unblock. So my son only months old was taken to the hospital when he was months old to have this minor irritation cleared up and thankfully it was all ok.